Extremely Emotional and Headache Free: Part Two of my Anxiety Story

It has been so long since I've been on here that I forgot how to log into this website. Hi! Are you still out there?

The last substantial post I wrote was my "coming out" story about having anxiety. That felt like a big one, and both the writing of it and the response from people was really healing. My feelings on the subject of anxiety have changed quite dramatically, in a direction that feels both healthy and miraculous, and that blog post is partly responsible for the shift.  Anxiety was an ever-inflating and tightening balloon under my breast bone for so many years.  It was my deep dark secret. And when I finally started talking about it and then writing about it, anxiety lost a lot of its power. It deflated. Now I toss it into casual conversation; I just accept it as a part of who I am. I can even sell you on the benefits of having anxiety, on the ways it makes me see the world from a more nuanced, sharper, and more empathetic place. I don't have to take a deep breath before I share my story with anyone.  It is what it is.  My new mantra is:  Anxiety, it's no big thing.

As you may remember, I started a daily medication for anxiety two years ago. I needed it. My doctor recognized I was ready for it, after having tried and failed to get it under control on my own. I was starting to say no to social activities and turning more inward which felt like a very dark turn for me.  So, I started taking Zoloft and after about 3-4 weeks, I felt improvement, and gradually, relief. I stopped getting panicky over situations that had no business making me panicky. And a few months in, I remember saying to Tim:  "I'm just going to stay on this forever because this is such a relief."  I believed that Zoloft fixed me.

Fast forward until this winter, when I started getting more confident and feeling that I was ready to try life without Zoloft. I still have anxiety from time to time, but in situations that make sense, like during a hectic travel day, or when I'm heading into a meeting where I'm expected to speak to a group of people.  I wondered if I should try weaning off of it and living medication-free. I spoke with my doctor and came up with a plan for cutting the dose in half, then going every other day, and then if that felt okay, stopping altogether. The weaning did feel okay, so I took my last Zoloft on my 45th birthday this past February.

For the first week, I would walk around checking in with myself:  "Are you okay?"  And the answer was always yes.  I did feel a little vulnerable, like riding a bike without a helmet, or driving without a seatbelt, and kept wondering if I would have a relapse. Maybe a month had passed when I realized I wasn't thinking about anxiety constantly, or about medication, or not being on a medication.  And I have waited this long to say it out-loud for fear of jinxing myself, but I'm doing just fine without the Zoloft.* And that tells me that the medication was part of my healing process, but not the only single thing responsible for me getting a handle on anxiety. 

Since I've been medication free, I have lived my life as normal, including the following things that would have previously made me extremely uncomfortable:  I flew from Maine to Utah, drove from there to Las Vegas, (LAS VEGAS, people.  I went to Las Vegas without anxiety meds), flew back to Maine, have gone to lots of meetings, and I even drove Reed to the Emergency Room at 4 am when he had a scary respiratory infection, and I have lived to tell about it all.  I truly believe that my biggest antidote to anxiety, and the reason I'm doing so well, is that I talk about it. I have no qualms about sharing this journey and I certainly wish that others had done the same for me years ago. I talk to my own kids about it all the time, and my students whenever it makes sense. It's normal.  It's okay. Anxiety, it ain't no big thing.

with Reed and my sister Liesel in the city of sin.

So yes, it feels good to not be dependent on medication right now, but it is nice to know that it is there if I ever need to go back on it. Why I had such a hard time with anxiety at this stage in my life, when everything is in relative order and I am happy and stable, is still beyond me.  But here I am on the other side of it.

There have been two surprisingly awesome benefits to being off Zoloft.  The first one is that after about a week off the medicine, I was driving home and blasting the soundtrack to Dear Evan Hanson and singing along, as we have been doing a lot lately, and all of a sudden, I started to cry. Just a really good cry, not sad or happy necessarily, just the kind of cry where you appreciate that life is big and beautiful and good and hard, and I was feeling it, all of it. I hadn't even been conscious of it, but I hadn't cried for the whole 2 years that I had been on Zoloft.

I have had some really good cries in the past two months:  watching Skyler sing in her show choir performance, watching any episode of "On the Road" with Steve Hartman, overhearing a man in a coffee shop who had the same German accent as my dad, finishing a 20-mile run, talking with Tim about a student whom I was worried about.  Crying feels so good, and I was deprived of that normal emotional experience while medicated. I am enjoying being reacquainted with all the feelings, highs and lows and all the in-betweens.

And I saved maybe the best of all for last: Since I stopped taking Zoloft, I haven't had one headache.  That means that the headaches I had every day for 2 years (TWO YEARS.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.) were caused by the medication that was also helping me to live my life.  The reason my doctor and I didn't figure this out earlier, is that the headaches started a few months after I had started Zoloft and that is very unusual, so the symptom was not attributed to the drug.  But the headaches are gone now, so I don't want to second-guess or overthink why I didn't make the connection sooner.  I just feel like celebrating my headache-free, beautiful, extremely emotional life.  Come on over.  Let's watch Titanic and ugly cry together.  Bring extra tissues.



* I know people who have felt better after bouts of depression or anxiety, weaned themselves off of meds, or abruptly stopped taking them, and were met with terrible withdrawal and worse symptoms.  Just because I am no longer medicated doesn't mean that you shouldn't be, or that you shouldn't talk to your doctor about medication options if you are struggling.  I am BY NO MEANS anti-medication because of my experience.  I am all in favor of everyone with mental health issues doing whatever they need to do to get help and relief.